"I don't think she knows yet."
"AOL keyword: 'yet'."
--Two guys at 540 Club.

"I've never seen one that big!... I'm just in shock!"
--Houston, TX: Woman with psycho-pants in Champps, upon the site of her Mile High Ice Cream Pie dessert, which her husband then immediately hacked in half in a fit of jealousy.

"'Kay. Sweat. Go."
*silence*
"Start sweating...now."
*after the set*
"If you're not sweating after that set, you...have a physical defect. And you should get that checked out."
- dj on the college radio station

"Well, I think giving gifts is a sign of endorsement."
"Sure."
"Remember that bed your mother gave us?"
"Our bed?"
"Yes, she gave it to us. It was very sweet."
"She was trying to get rid of it."
"But she gave it to us. I really took that as the first time she accepted me."
"You know Goodwill wouldn't take it?"
--A woman, and a man who apparently never wanted to sleep in that bed again, at Fressen, in Toronto.

Woman: Look, there's a police car, they're stopping that man to question him about something, see?
Kid: (inaudible)
Woman: No, not Sun Hill, that's on the telly.

~ A woman with two little boys in the high street (Scotland)
(For Americans: Sun Hill = police station in police drama 'The Bill')

"I don't really need this. But I'm just gonna go get some jelly beans. I just want some jelly beans."
— a woman muttering to herself as she walked by my friend's desk at the University of Miami, Dept. of Epidemiology and Public Health (Miami, FL)

A man enters the shop, and leaning over the small counter, points to the legs of the shop owner and says:

What’s wrong with your legs ?

The shop owner shouts back:

What you looking at ?

Your legs ! (This, though dramatic, has the quality of banter).

Well, make sure that’s all you’re looking at ! I cant chase the girls now, the only person who chases me now is the wife ! I rang up for a physio appointment, but that will take another eight weeks.

You should try some alternative medicine, like meditation. I’ll get you some details.

The man comes round from behind the counter, and demonstrates how little he can now bend his legs.

The other guy says:

You have the legs of an eighteen old !

27th August 2003

Post Office, Romford Rd, London E12

"And someone is murdered, and we have to find out who it is."
~Someone explaining our murder mystery party. My thoughts were, "Actually, we have to figure out who MURDERED them, but... whatever."

Ok, so it's Christmas morning, we've all opened our gifts (this actually happened years ago) ... my sister and I have taken our loot to our bedrooms, my father has walked into the bathroom and my mother is still in the living room, looking through a gift basket I gave her.

Mom: "Ha! What do you think of this, Ed ... your daughter gave me age-defying cream!"

without missing a beat, my father passes by my door, leans in and says, under his breath:

"Now all we need is bitch-defying cream..."

"Well she's about 45 in Skank years."
"Good one Dad"
Me describing Paris Hilton's age and Eve's response.
Said to Eve and her brother at a recent dinner. She never wants to post things I say or hear, so here it is, in total obscurity.