As foretold...
Submitted by zytka on Sun, 10/16/2005 - 1:05am. Bizarre
“Wait for the prognosticator, man!”
— A very drunk man, beer bottle in hand, shouting from the patio of a bar & grill (Walnut Creek, CA)
Teen Angst
Submitted by zytka on Sun, 10/16/2005 - 12:46am. Um...
“I’m just going to sit right here because the moment this stuff starts thrilling me, I’m just going to end my life.”
— A teen boy to his mother as they are shopping together at Restoration Hardware (Walnut Creek, CA)
A little knowledge...
Submitted by zytka on Tue, 10/04/2005 - 12:33am. Funny
"What knowledge do you think was sacrificed in favor of your alarming capacity for pop culture?"
"Who knows? I might have the brain cell that was destined to hold the cure for cancer, but instead I filled it with Madonna lyrics."
— a guy and a girl chatting at the corner of Durant and Shattuck (Berkeley CA)
The art of zen
Submitted by zytka on Thu, 09/22/2005 - 9:50pm. Ironic
"Do I look calm to you?"
" look fine."
"You see, I just separated from my husband and I feel so calm. Isn't it amazing that I'm so calm? So calm that I don't even have to talk about it."
— a woman at the check-out speaking to the Long's cashier (Rockridge, CA)
Submitted by zytka on Thu, 09/22/2005 - 5:03pm. Funny
"You know what your lupus is, right?"
"Ahhhhhhhhnnnnnnnn autoimmune disorder..."
"It's self-loathing at a molecular level."
"Cellular level."
"Right. At a cellular level, your body hates itself and is trying to kill you off."
"You think they have therapy for that kind of thing?"
"Well, if they don't, they should. I think it could really help you learn to love yourself."
— my friend and I discussing my visit to the rheumatologist yesterday. (Emeryville, CA)
Names not changed to protect the innocent...
Submitted by zytka on Thu, 09/22/2005 - 11:36am. Funny
"He's quieter than Nolan, isn't he?"
"Yeah...he's more reserved – Nolan's a lot more interactive. If Nolan were a dog, he'd be a golden retriever. If Fayvor were a do–"
"Oh. I thought you'd say beagle for Nolan."
"Beagles are dumb; he's not a beagle."
"No, they aren't! And I was thinking of the energy levels – they're kinda hyper."
"But they're dumb."
"I thought they were smart. Our beagle is smart...she just has doggie ADD or something...but whatever. And Fayvor?"
"If Fayvor were a dog... Ummm... He'd be a cat."
— a lunch discussion at Asquew Grille about two brothers (Emeryville, CA)
The Flying Squirrelzinis
Submitted by zytka on Tue, 07/12/2005 - 10:52am. Bizarre
"You've gotta eat, man. Don't let those squirrels fuck with your diet and get your stomach all messed up. A man can't live on bugs and nuts for a year without suffering irreversible mental deterioration. It's a fact. God damn, if I had a bunch of squirrels, I'd buy a BIG TENT and start a traveling squirrel circus. Tiny little flying trapeze, squirrel clowns and a squirrel car. A squirrel cannon would be cool, too. You could probably fit about a hundred of those little irascible varmints in the barrel if you used a tamper."
— A guy ranting during a conversation which, I swear, started due to concern about how his friend in the London area was ok (San Francisco, CA)
Monkey Men
Submitted by zytka on Tue, 07/12/2005 - 9:44am. Um...
"If Steve Martin and Robin Williams ever backed into each other, they'd stick like velcro."
— a guy making coffee while talking about the hairiness of the two comedians (Emeryville, CA)
Dash of gall
Submitted by zytka on Fri, 07/08/2005 - 3:08pm. Funny
"My point would have been much more impressive if you hadn't brought that up."
"Yeah, I had the gall to bring facts into the situation."
— two guys at my office during a good-natured argument (Emeryville, CA)
Submitted by zytka on Sat, 06/11/2005 - 10:54pm. Bizarre
"It's better than chipmunks! Better than lesbian chipmunks!"
— a woman commenting on an action scene in the movie Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter (Oakland, CA)