Christian Hip-Hop Band:
"I'm-a bounce for the Lord!
I'm-a shout for the Lord!"

40+ youth leader:
"I'm-a loose my bowels for the Lord! UHHNNG!"
(looks skyward)
"That one was for You."

~praise & worship concert at a weekend youth retreat in Carlisle, PA

"It's like telekinesis with training wheels — I'm practicing telekinesis. I still use my hands to move things around, but it requires almost no effort. Soon I won't need them at all."
— one of my friends after a CircoZero show in the Mission (San Francisco, CA)

"I had to go and chill out for a while before driving home."
"Chill out? Don't you mean 'sober up'?"
"Well, yeah, but that makes it sound like I was drunk."
— two women talking about a party the night before (Emeryville, CA)

"It's not that he's accident-prone. It's that accidents find him and completely beat the shit out of him."
— a guy commenting on a friend after enumerating his many serious sports accidents (Emeryville, CA)

"Let me put it to you this way Jim, it's not that I just wanna bone her . . . it's so much more than that. The girl really puts a tingle in my dinger and a rumble in my loins!"

--overheard while on line at Quick Check.



Thus romanticism never dies. It just mutates into something resembling the results of that mysterious taco salad.

"... the hotel room fairly reeked of cigarette smoke. So your mother and I sprayed the room down with Febreze and left. When we came back the room stunk of urine! I guess the funk was so strong that it had a war with the Febreze, and the funk won and took a stronger foothold ..."

~again, my father - regarding a trip to WV

"We need a new spider."
"I'm sorry?"
"I killed the spider that was living under the shelves, and now the ants are out of control again. So we need a new spider or two."
"What will you do if the spiders get out of control?"
"Stomp 'em, I guess."
"Oh. I was hoping you'd say you'd get a bird."

--a couple of employees at the Ute Mountain Cafe, Cortez, CO.

so i'm standing on line at safeway, 11pm, random wednesday night... and i hear the girl in front of me say
"pretty girls aren't supposed to smell like fish!"
and all i can think is, should anyone ever smell like fish? and why would a girl be talking about fish? i suspect (seriously) that she might've been a butcher based on her apron, but still...

"Shhhhh... You shouldn't talk so loud when you're speaking Stupid."
— girl to a guy friend who just insulted her athleticism while they were at REI (Berkeley, CA)

Me: I forget between 'vosotros' and 'nosotros' ... one means 'we' and the other means a group of other people...

Him: At my school, they told us 'vosotros' meant 'y'all'.

~Is it wrong this this Jersey girl (me) laughed my ass off at him for a full minute?