the lamest joke in the world: two ewes walk into a bar...looking sheepish.

i went to war for my country and all i got was this lousy stump.

Archived comment by chris:
ATTN: JOKE MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO SOME...BUT I THINK IT IS HILARIOUS.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Archived comment by Saint:
Everybody's a critic.

Archived comment by Phyllis Diller:
Don't quit the day job.

Archived comment by Saint:
*wonders* As in the game Kill Dr Lucky, or as in Lassie's twin brother Lucky who always was the smarter of the pair?

Archived comment by Lea:
Hey, Keli.. likewise. Do you know a Dr. Lucky, or is this merely an incredible coincidence? :)

Archived comment by Bael:
An older couple were celebrating their 50th Wedding aniversary together. The man looked at his wife and said "My dear, In the fifty years we've been together, I've had no regrets. There is, however, one thing I must ask you. Our ninth son doesn't look like the others. Did he have a different father?"
The wife is quiet for a minute, then says with a tear in her eye, "I'm afraid so dear."
The man is quiet for a time. and then asks who the ninth child's father is.
The wife responds "You are."

Archived comment by Saint:
Ever hear of the blonde wolf? Chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trap.

This blonde walks up to the meat counter and asks for a two-foot salami. Guy at the counter asks if she wants it sliced and she says, "Hell no, do I look like a piggy bank to you?"

What do you get when you cross a blonde with a pitbull? Your last bj.

I got a million of 'em, folks.

Archived comment by SaraTrot:
As long as we're all telling jokes...

The first mate of a ship runs up to his captain and tells him, "There's a pirate ship thats about to attack!" The captain asks his first mate to bring him his red shirt. The first mate does so and the captain puts it on, they fight the battle and win.
"Wow, that was amazing" lauded the first mate, "but why did you want the red shirt?"
His captain answered, "Because if I was shot, then you wouldn't see the blood and I would still be considered a great captain."
Later the first mate came running the captain, "Captain, there's two pirate ships ready to attack!"
To which the captain replied, "Bring me my brown pants."

Archived comment by Richard Goodness:
http://www.boxjamsdoodle.com/d/19990729.html

Thought you'd like this one.

Archived comment by ARlene:
When I was 5 my mother made a huuuuge mistake. She bought me a book of 101 Pickle Jokes. Imagine a 5 year old, w/ a 5-year old's gift of joke recounting, repeating the same bloody jokes, day after day after day. And it didn't work to 'lose' the book either. I'd memorized them.

What's green, bumpy & flies?

Super Pickle
(babump bump - I still got it)

Archived comment by Marv:
Why does the ocean roar?

Well, you'd roar too if you had crabs on your bottom.

Archived comment by that quiet fellow over in the:
a college student decides to drive cross country during his spring break, so while passing thru nebraska he sees a tepee set up by the side of the road with a sign that reads "Indian with worlds best memory" so the guy decides to stop, feeling a need to stretch his legs, so he goes up to the indian sitting by the tepee and says "how" to which the indian replies "how"; the college student wishing to test the indians memory asks him what he was doing exactly 20 years ago, to which the indian replies "hunting buffalo" so the student walks away thinking to himself "sure, thats a pretty good catch all anwser" and takes off across the country. Many years later after the student has graduated, gotten married, had children and his childrean have gone off to college, his wife and he decide to take a cross country road-trip. while driving he sees the same tepee and sign that he remembers from his college days, so wanting to again check the indians memory he goes up to the indain and says "how" to which the indain replies "with a bow and arrow"



for all you P.C. inpassers indain can be replaced with Native American and buffalo should be replaced by bison

Archived comment by Keli:
Heard this really recently:

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go camping. The first night, they roasted marshmallows, sang songs, and went to bed. The next morning, before sunrise, Holmes shook Watson awake and said, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you deduce." Watson pauses and then replies, "Because the universe is infinite, there must be billions of stars. Because there are billions of stars, there must be planets orbiting some of them. Because there are so many planets, there must be one like Earth. So I deduce that we are not alone in the universe." Holmes yells, "Watson, you idiot! Someone stole our tent!"

Some of the jokes you've told on here have been my favorites for years--especially the Trids joke.

Archived comment by David:
The Queen Mum is on a goodwill tour of Scotland. One of the villages she is visiting is holding their annual Highland games while she is there. She goes up to one of the contestants and ask "Is there anything worn under your kilt?" To which the Scotsman replies "Nye 'tis all is perfect working order."

Archived comment by Kristen:
A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran wrap. The doctor says, "Clearly, I can see your nuts."

har har har...

That's my naughtiest joke.

Archived comment by Apple:
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
Johnny fell in the mud!

Wanna hear a clean joke?
Johnny took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear another dirty joke?
Bubbles is the girl next door!

Archived comment by mej:
As long as we're tossing jokes about....

Why math text writers usually don't become bestselling authors:
"Frank was a hard-working boy and Emily was a nice girl. What happened after they met is left as an exercise to the reader."

(grin)

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
I would award Mike his demi-point personally, but I can't even see where he is all the way back on the other side of Bryan's record-setting post. We're all about the records lately.

Quote attributed to Bender, played by the robotic, unfunny actor Judd Nelson, not Bender, the funny robot.

Archived comment by jamie:
Two jokes I can't live without

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because thay have big fingers

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four they would be chicken sedans!
(wakka wakka wakka)

When will I grow up?

Archived comment by Bryan:
For dry humorists!


>>This is funny. If you don't think so you may be upper management at
>>McDonnell-Douglas.
>>This allegedly was posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas Website by
>>an employee there who obviously has a sense of humor. The company, of
>>course, does not have a sense of humor and made the web department take it
>>down immediately.....
>>
>>Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order
>>to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the
>>warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not
>>required, but the information will help us to develop new products that
>>best meet your needs and desires.
>>
>>1.
>>[_] Mr.
>>[_] Mrs.
>>[_] Ms.
>>[_] Miss
>>[_] Lt.
>>[_] Gen.
>>[_] Comrade
>>[_] Classified
>>[_] Other
>>First Name: ................................
>>Initial: ........
>>Last Name: ..................................
>>Password: ............................. (max. 8 char)
>>Code Name:..................................
>>Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: .....................
>>
>>2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
>>[_] F-14 Tomcat
>>[_] F-15 Eagle
>>[_] F-16 Falcon
>>[_] F-117A Stealth
>>[_] Classified
>>
>>3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ....../......./......
>>
>>4. Serial Number:.........................................
>>
>>5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
>>[_] Received as gift / aid package
>>[_] Catalogue / showroom
>>[_] Independent arms broker
>>[_] Mail order
>>[_] Discount store
>>[_] Government surplus
>>[_] Classified
>>
>>6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product
>>you have just purchased:
>>[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
>>[_] Store display
>>[_] Espionage
>>[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
>>[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
>>[_] Was attacked by one
>>
>>7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your
>>decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
>>[_] Style / appearance
>>[_] Speed / maneuverability
>>[_] Price / value
>>[_] Comfort / convenience
>>[_] Kickback / bribe
>>[_] Recommended by salesperson
>>[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
>>[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
>>[_] Backroom politics
>>[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
>>
>>8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
>>[_] North America
>>[_] Iraq
>>[_] Iran
>>[_] Aircraft carrier
>>[_] Iraq
>>[_] Europe
>>[_] Iraq
>>[_] Middle East (not Iraq)
>>[_] Iraq
>>[_] Africa
>>[_] Iraq
>>[_] Asia / Far East
>>[_] Iraq
>>[_] Misc. Third World countries
>>[_] Iraq
>>[_] Classified
>>[_] Iraq
>>
>>9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to
>>purchase in the near future:
>>[_] Color TV
>>[_] VCR
>>[_] ICBM
>>[_] Killer Satellite
>>[_] CD Player
>>[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
>>[_] Space Shuttle
>>[_] Home Computer
>>[_] Nuclear Weapon
>>
>>10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? (Indicate all
>>that apply.)
>>[_] Communist / Socialist
>>[_] Terrorist
>>[_] Crazed
>>[_] Neutral
>>[_] Democratic
>>[_] Dictatorship
>>[_] Corrupt
>>[_] Primitive / Tribal
>>
>>11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
>>[_] Deficit spending
>>[_] Cash
>>[_] Suitcases of cocaine
>>[_] Oil revenues
>>[_] Personal check
>>[_] Credit card
>>[_] Ransom money
>>[_] Traveler's check
>>
>>12. Your occupation:
>>[_] Homemaker
>>[_] Sales / marketing
>>[_] Revolutionary
>>[_] Clerical
>>[_] Mercenary
>>[_] Tyrant
>>[_] Middle management
>>[_] Eccentric billionaire
>>[_] Defense Minister / General
>>[_] Retired
>>[_] Student
>>
>>13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the
>>interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating
>>on a regular basis:
>>[_] Golf
>>[_] Boating / sailing
>>[_] Sabotage
>>[_] Running / jogging
>>[_] Propaganda / misinformation
>>[_] Destabilization / overthrow
>>[_] Default on loans
>>[_] Gardening
>>[_] Crafts
>>[_] Black market / smuggling
>>[_] Collectibles / collections
>>[_] Watching sports on TV
>>[_] Wines
>>[_] Interrogation / torture
>>[_] Household pets
>>[_] Crushing rebellions
>>[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
>>[_] Fashion clothing
>>[_] Border disputes
>>[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
>>
>>Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers
>>will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you
>>better in the future-as well as allowing you to receive mailings and
>>special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and
>>mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will
>>be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!
>>
>>Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
>>McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION Marketing Department Military Aerospace
>>Division.

Archived comment by Mike:
Breakfast Club! (*collects his half point*) That's right, slow and steady....

A lawyer and his best friend go on a camping trip. They have a great first night, eating, drinking, and reminiscing under the stars. The next morning, as they crawl out of their tents, they are shocked to see a huge, ferocious grizzly bear making its way towards them.

The lawyer casually bends down and starts tying his shoes.

"What are you doing?" asks his friend. "Don't you know that bears can run faster than people?"

"I don't have to outrun the grizzly," the lawyer replies. "I just have to outrun you."

Archived comment by Montygirl:
Ok, first off - passerby and anson2, we don't discuss Eve leaving EVER. We just live in denial ... or maybe it's like Santa in The Santa Clause: someone becomes an "Eve" if Eve can no longer be Eve.

OK, here's my bad joke:

Old man goes into a bar. "Bartender, give everyone in the house a drink, including yourself." So the bartender does. When he comes to collect for the drinks, the old man has no money, so the bartender hops over the bar, beats up the old man and throws him out into the street.

A few days later, same old guy comes back into the bar, tells the bartender "a round of drinks for everyone and the bartenders, too!" Well, the bartender figures he wouldn't pull the same stunt with the beating he received, so he gives everyone a drink. But, when he comes to collect, the old man is penniless. So, the bartender hops over the bar, beats the old man and throws him out into the street.

A few days later the old man comes in, says to the bartender, "a round for everyone, except you."

The bartender pauses, looks at the old man, and asks, "You wanna buy everyone a drink except for me?"

"Yessir, I do," says the old guy.

"You don't wanna buy me a drink?" says the puzzled bartender.

"No, you get mean when you drink."

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
...that's point 5 points, only 1/2, because it's fairly easy. The decimal point becomes hard to see in the smaller text size.

Archived comment by slugbuggy:
Only .5 cool points for knowing this one...10 if you can come up with a punchline.


"A naked blonde walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' The naked lady says ..."

Archived comment by umrguy:
Oh, EGM and anson2, y'all are cracking me up over here!

Archived comment by Evil Gingerbread Man:
Oh, fine then. I'll just put this one here, instead.

A chemist, a physisist and a mathmatician are out in the woods, each renting a cabin by a lake. After a long day, they each have a cigarette and go to bed.
Some time later, the chemist smells smoke and wakes up, his cigarette has started a fire in his waste basket. Knowing that a combustion reaction requires oxygen, he places a lid on the bin until the fire goes out, then goes back to bed.
Around this time the physicist wakes up to find a simmilar dilemma. Knowing, however, that a fire requires high kinetic energy, he decides to cool the system with water, reducing the kinetic energy and putting out the fire, so he places the bin in the shower and runs the water for a bit, then goes back to bed.
Meanwhile, the mathmatician had also woken to find his trash bin on fire. Having seen the other two through the window he says to himself "A solution exists!" and goes back to bed.

Archived comment by J:
uh..."so the bartender gives her one" works too, I'm pretty sure...

Archived comment by fair_n_hite_451:
So, this termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bartender here?"

And David, the correct punch line to the "Double Entendre" joke is "So the bartender gives it to her" .... thus actually making a double entendre out of the joke see? (Sorry, I hate it when people get jokes wrong - but don't worry, I blame who ever told you in the first place)

Archived comment by anson2:
Math joke: 3 squaws (Indian wives, sorry not very PC but you'll see why) were bragging about how talented their husbands were. All three were pregnant and the tradition was that the husband got a new 'fur' blanket (hide) for each new baby. The first squaw's husband got her a deer hide for her new baby boy and was bragging to the other two. So the second squaw forced her husband to seek out and kill a Grizzly bear for it's hide for her new baby girl. This caused the third squaw to nag her husband for something more exotic, as she delivered twins, a boy and a girl. So he traveled far and wide and brought back a hippopotamus hide.

Which shows that the sum of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws of the other two hides.

Only funny if you know the Pythagorian theorum.

Archived comment by anson2:
Comment on Passerby's comment - What will happen to In Passing when Eve graduates? And when will that happen?

Archived comment by E!:
Ok. Time to put in my two cents worth (ba-dum-bum! -- pretty cool how I tied that into the original post, yes? No? Oh well...)

An American Indian walks into a therapists office for his first session. He lays down on the couch, and the doctor asks him what's wrong. The indian replies:

"I can't sleep doctor. I keep having the same nightmare night after night. One moment I'm dreaming I am a teepee, the next moment I'm a wigwam. Then I'm a teepee, then a wigwam again. It never ends! Night after night!

The doctor sits in silence for a while, chewing on the end of his pen thoughtfully. Suddenly, he looks up, and shouts:

"Eureka! I know what your problem is!"

"Yes doctor, what is it?!?" exclaims the Indian, hope blossoming on his face.

The doctor exclaims: "You're two tents!"

Please don't kill me.

Archived comment by David.:
(I'm not gonna do this. I'm not gonna do this. ... yes I am.)

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre. So the bartender gave her one.

A guy walks into a bar wearing nothing but a pair of jumper cables around his neck. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a beer?" The bartender replies, "Okay, but don't start anything."

This bear walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer and ........... a bowl of peanuts." The bartender asks, "Why the big paws?"

So this guy runs into a bar and yells to the bartender, "Let me have a shot of 20-year old scotch--a double!" The bartender gives it to him, and he tosses it off in one gulp. "Another!" Again, he tosses it down. "Another, quick!" "What's your hurry?" asks the bartender. "You'd be in a hurry too, if you had what I've got," replies the man. "Why, what've you got?" asks the bartender. The man answers, "Fifty cents."

Archived comment by steff:
don!! that's great! i LOVE that! hee. yes, i'm easily amused, why do you ask? =P

two peanuts were walking down the road - and one of them was asalted.


aaaand for my sister:
what the the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
nothing - it just let out a little wine.


feel like you're on a van yet, spyderqueen?

Archived comment by Eve:
Sorry kids, the "dead baby joke" comments are gone. I got enough emails from people who were genuinely upset -- not outraged but actually sad, that I took them down. Apologies for stomping on the free speech of the folks who posted them, but on the other hand, people expect a certain type of humor, etc, when they visit In Passing, and I don't like the idea of one person's idea of funny upsetting someone else. Especially if the first person isn't me. (If there was someone out there who was offended by evesdropping, for example, I wouldn't take every quote down. But then again, that's _my_ sense of humor, and so I understand it. And so on.)

Archived comment by don:
So this grasshopper walks into a bar and buys a beer. When the Bartender brings the drink over the bartenders says,
"did you know that there is a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper looked at him and says, who in the world would name a drink Walter?"

Sorry, couldn't resist.

:)

Archived comment by gregj:
This is the best string ever!! (a lot better than that recent 'punctuation' string *shiver*)

JohnDough - that is one of my favorite jokes!
Matt - I'm still rolling!!

unfortunatly - for my 22nd birthday - a friend of mine made me the "definitive collection" of dead baby jokes. She even put a binding on it. (the best joke of which I haven't heard here yet, but it seems they have become a little bit controversial)

Soooo...
Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

Archived comment by Passerby:
on a completely un-related topic, what will happen when eve graduates or leaves the berkly area?

Archived comment by candigyrl:
So there are these two muffins sitting on a tray until someone comes along and sticks them in an oven.
The first muffin turns to the second muffin and says, "Man, it's hot in here!"
The second muffin shreiks, "AAH! A talking muffin!!"

Archived comment by Chelsea:
But when I was little, I wouldn't have gotten the joke much less have thought of a variation on "dirty coppers'. On the other hand, I didn't quite get the joke even now. Horribly ashamed at my joke getting abilities.

Archived comment by Matt:
My mom once told me The Ultimate Postmodern Joke:

What's the differene between a duck?
One leg's the same.



Exactly. And that's why PostModernism isn't widely understood.

Archived comment by JohnDough:
er...whoops sorry accidentally submitted before i had written anything but anyways here is my joke:

So two atoms are walking down the street, and one looks in his back pocket and says "my goodness! my electron was stolen!!!" the other atom asks "are you sure?" the first replies "i'm positive!"

(get it...cause atoms with less electrons are positive...? oh well yet another lame joke)

Archived comment by JohnDough:

Archived comment by strawberry river:
in britain if a mother kills her child a year and a day after giving birth it is not murder but infanticide, only women can be charged with it.

Archived comment by elspeth:
> I tried to cop the joke.

Eve, is this a pun? Cute if it is, also if it isn't.

Archived comment by Spyderqueen:

As a teenager, I once had to ride in a van with 5 kids (of no relation to me) all the age of psudo-joke telling for 2 hours.

2 solid hours of
Random Child: "Why did the cat cross the road?"
Me: *silence*
Child: "Come on! Guess guess" *sticky jam coated fingers poke at my face*
Me: *groan in frustration* "I don't know, why?"
Child: "He wanted to get to the McDonalds!" *raucous child laughter ensues*

If this isn't covered in the Geneva convention, it should be. Closest I've ever been to experiencing hell.... Either way, it was a damned good argument for Birth Control in my opinion.


And of course, they didn't get the sophistication of my more "grown-up" jokes....
Child: "Now you tell one!"
Me: "Fine. Why did the possum cross the road?"
Child: "Why?"
Me: "He didn't."
Child: *looks at me in confusion* "It'd be better if he went to McDonalds...."
Me: *wonders if temporary insanity would hold up as a defense in court when I'm on trial for infanticide*

And what's really annoying is that I know I probably went through a stage of this too...

Archived comment by Bean Stockgood:
A man went on a business trip and couldn't take his dog with him, so he got his brother to watch the dog for the week.

On the first day he was gone, he called his brother and asked how the dog was. "Oh, the dog's fine," his brother replied.

On the second day, he called again and got the same response, "The dog's fine."

On the third day, he called. "The dog's fine," his brother said again.

On the fourth day, he called. His brother said, "I have to admit that I was lying the whole time. Right after you left, the dog ran into the street and was hit by a car and died."

The businessman was angry. He said, "You shouldn't have said he was fine. On the first day, you should have said that he got on the roof and you had to get him down. On the second day when I called, you should have said he fell and was injured and you took him to the vet. On the third day, you should have said he was doing better, and today you should have said he finally died."

His brother agreed that it was what he should have said.

Changing the topic, the businessman asked, "So, how's Mom?"

His brother replied, "Oh, um, I think she's up on the roof. I really should go get her down."

Archived comment by Apple:
Wow! That one took me back! My dad used to tell that one, too!

Archived comment by TJ:
There once was a kingdom of little people called Trids. One day, a huge giant came and began kicking over their houses for amusement. This of course angered the Trids, so they tried to fight back. This just caused the giant to laugh and kick THEM.

So, they raised this huge Trid army, led by a rabbi. They went on a type of crusade to fight the giant at his home. When they approached the giant's castle, he came out to meet them. He surveyed the Trid army, laughed, and began to kick the Trids every which way. The rabbit urged the Trid army to keep fighting. During the fighting, the giant reached the rabbi. The rabbi cowered in terror, but the giant just stepped over the rabbi and did not kick him.

Finally, all the Trids had been kicked and killed, except for the rabbi. The rabbi looked at the giant mournfully and said, "Giant, why did you not kick me too?"

The giant grinned at him and said, "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids."

Get it? Okay, I know it was lame.

Archived comment by Apple:
Okay! That's just plain disturbing!

Mike, my dad was the one who upon passing a cemetary always asked why they put locked fences around them. Answer: because people are dying to get in! *ba dum bum* We basically had to just deal with it! *Hmmm--maybe that's why I'm in therapy!*