What would you do for money, honey?
Submitted by Saint on Fri, 01/07/2005 - 12:46am. Funny
"Dude, the only way I would order it would be with the foil on the side, and the caviar shoved up the chef's ass, 'cause I am not eating fish eggs on my fucking ice cream."
"With one of those black cards, you could probably pay the maitre d' to do that."

--Two guys kicking through the snow in the alley behind my house. Cortez, CO.

In a (I think) related note, my wife and I got cable TV hooked up last week. This is the first time in my life I can watch VH1, Comedy Central (Drawn Together! Yay!), etc, in my own home. A long-standing Crue fan (basically, ever since I discovered there was more to music than the country crap my parents listened to), I looked in on Remaking Vince Neil. My morbid curiosity was overloaded when I realized he no longer looks like Vince Neil--he looks like Jon Lovitz playing Vince Neil in a sketch about aging rockers. I'm serious. Neil could be Lovitz's long-lost brother. Or maybe it's just me...has anyone else noticed? Or cared? Anyway. I might check in on it again later, to see if the resemblance is still there, if there's nothing else on, which will probably be the case.

/pointless exhausted ramble.
Stoned, tired, or crazy?
Submitted by Saint on Tue, 11/23/2004 - 1:38am. Bizarre
"What does it even mean?"
"Uh, well, obviously...it means...if you ever break down, then you should always send the guy in the chicken suit for gas, because.... Because, look, three handsome jocks, two pretty girls, that's basic heterosexual, but if you keep the doofy chicken guy there too, then, like...that's perverted."
"That makes sense."
"I'm glad it does to somebody."

--a couple of people in a group wandering through Wal-Mart in the wee hours of morning. Cortez, CO.
Happy frickin' Holidays
Submitted by Saint on Mon, 11/22/2004 - 8:31pm. Funny
"I don't think you should call the customers 'ass-nuggets' anymore, Rob."
--a man talking on his cell-phone while he walked around Wal-Mart. Cortez, CO.

"Grr. Animals, they're just frickin' animals. Not clean animals like cats, not friendly animals like dogs, no, some kind of nasty herd beast like...goats or, or yaks. Frickin' animals."
--an employee muttering angrily, not quite under her breath, while gathering up a number of items that didn't belong in her area, at City Market. Cortez, CO.

Oh, yeah: Since I have to listen to Christmas music every day already, I thought I might as well spread some early Christmas cheer myself. Work-safe, but a bit noisy.
On the Road
Submitted by Saint on Sat, 10/23/2004 - 11:25pm. Other
A license plate: "AWWNUTS"

A car with a home-printed bumper sticker: "Somewhere in Texas a Village is Missing It's Idiot"; beneath, written in felt tip, someone had added "But we still have our's."

"It's a little racier than I remember it."
"No, and then, like, they put lips on the dick and it started singing..."
--the guy on my right, remarking on Les Miserables during intermission, and my wife on my left, telling her mom about the god-awful porn we saw in the hotel room before going to the theater.
Popejoy Hall, University of New Mexico, Albuquerque.

"Oh my God! It's a chocolate dildo!"
"It's huge!.... I wonder where she got the mold."
--a couple of older ladies browsing at The Candy Lady in Old Town. Albuquerque, NM.

"I can get most of this stuff at Safeway."
"You can't get seaweed at Safeway. And what about the sugary squid snacks? Oooh, and Inca Kola. 'The Golden Cola.' Snazzy, eh?"
"Okay, well, I can get most everything I actually want from Safeway."
--an older man and a young woman browsing the isles at Ta Lin World Food Market, Albuquerque, NM.
Whatever it is, it must be tacky.
Submitted by Saint on Sat, 09/11/2004 - 8:21pm. Other
"It'd be like bringing a date to your wedding, son."

--an old man to a teenager, at the mall in Farmington, NM. Now I guess the question is, what would be like bringing a date to your wedding?
Where can I get a set?
Submitted by Saint on Sat, 08/28/2004 - 10:19am. Bizarre
"Can we get L-shaped sheets? Like in the movies?"
"I guess. Why?"
"Your breasts should always be naked."
"They are, you just have to look with your magical rainbow eyes."

--a couple of cute dykes at Club Q, Colorado Springs, CO.
[edit: I decided to go ahead and put up all I overheard, rather than just the last lines, because my wife is as amused by the L-shaped sheets as she is by the magical rainbow eyes. It's still the eyes I want, though.]
Just cute
Submitted by Saint on Fri, 08/27/2004 - 9:42am. Beautiful
"Mom, the coaches are drooling over me!"

my cousin Eli (5'll", 200 lbs, 12 years old) on the first day of try-outs for 7th grade football.
Ah, summer...
Submitted by Saint on Wed, 08/18/2004 - 9:35pm. Beautiful
"Know what I love about this time of year? Free live fly-porn. Delivered right at your table."

--a guy in J Fargo's. Cortez, CO.

I suppose if he was willing to pay for fly-porn, that would make him a pervert.
I should have thought of that.
Submitted by Saint on Mon, 08/16/2004 - 3:25pm. Funny
"I prefer to let the managers think the grout is black. They don't seem to know any better, and it saves us some scrubbing."

--the deli lead, apparently teaching the new guy how to wash the floor. Wal-Mart, Cortez, CO.
No refunds
Submitted by Saint on Wed, 07/28/2004 - 10:39pm. Other
"Can I have my soul back now?"

--my manager, on finding out she'll probably be fired. (For the record, it's bull; she's being fired for sexual harassment, specifically for 'a detailed discussion of anal sex which made two employees uncomfortable'. I happened to be there for the incident in question, and here's what it was: my manager mentioned she was partying with a local band, in particular the lead singer. One of the allegedly uncomfortable employees said, "Ewww. He's into anal sex!" My manager shrugged and replied, "So am I." And that was it. The 'detailed discussion of anal sex', all of it, right there. Plus, it happened about 9 months ago, so...WTF? I'm going to miss my manager, if they push this through. She was about the only cool one in the whole store.)

Update: My boss quit. I'm somewhat in mourning, and probably will really start hating it when I have to train a new boss, but she's much happier. Says it's just like getting out of a bad relationship. So I'm happy for her, anyway. And since she's tending bar at the Brewery, it's not like I never get to see her.