Daughter: "Dad, something really went wrong with you."

Me (indignantly): "Hey, blame them!" (pointing toward her grandparents) "They're the ones who raised me!"

"It wasn't that Woody was fat, it was that I had to twist as I came up because of the coffee maker."

--my girlfriend, describing how she injured her back while picking up a cat. And no, it still makes no sense to me.

Seen: a skinny little girl with light brown hair, about 19 years old or so, driving a red Honda del Sol with a Papa John's Pizza sign on top and a license plate that read DMN8TRX.

My girlfriend, in the meantime, saw a car with a plate that said T13VOM. (Write it out and hold it up to a mirror.) I replied to her that it is a good thing that the driver wasn't slightly dyslexic and ordered plates that said T1MOV.

Seen: a tractor-trailer (or as they say in England, a lorry) with a bumper sticker that read "Girls Show Me Your Hooters".

Seen a moment later: my son pulling up his shirt and pressing his chest against the window as we passed the truck.

Okay, so maybe I did teach him that...

"...our sole purpose in this world is to do God's will."

*whispered* "So does that mean that we're all just God's bitch?"

--A preacher, and one fourteen year old boy to another in a Baptist church. This was followed by an elderly woman whipping her head around so quickly that by all rights her neck should have snapped.

Okay, yes, one of those boys is related to me. But I didn't teach him that...

"I'm sorry you got separated from us. I gotcha... it's okay..." *artificially bright voice* "So you wanna learn about barf?"

--A father with a frightened and weeping daughter at the Science Museum's exhibit "Grossology", which is all about the more disgusting aspects of the human body.

It worked, too- she cracked up.

"Steak fingers? All right! Let's get some steak fingers!"

--A man in the next aisle over at Kroger

The only rational explanation I can come up with is that he had his child with him at the time and was trying to spark enthusiasm for tonight's dinner offerings. How else can you explain a man getting that excited about something that sounds that revolting?

Seen on Huguenot Road: a car with a license plate that said CPROLYT passing another than said MANU R.

The only thing I could fit to that first plate was "coprolyte", which is an archaeology term for fossilized feces. They're often studied to determine the diet of the person or animal who left them. Why someone would want that on their car is beyond me, but then so is having "manure" as a vanity plate...

I really really hope I'm misinterpreting them.

"Do you want drunken noodles?"

"Ummm... you mean Noodles Of The Drunk?"

--A loud and rather inebriated girl and her somewhat more circumspect date at the Thai Diner Too in Carytown

"Dude, is your pickle fizzing?"

--my oldest son to my younger son.

To put it in context, I had gotten them deli pickles to go with dinner. Pickles and sushi- what a combination...