"I think it's wonderful that you want to walk like a duck down the aisle."
--A woman halfheartedly talking on a cell phone while reading a magazine, in line at Safeway.

"Gina is a dum ho."
"The defense rests, your honor."
--Written on the wall of a construction site near Lexington & 59th.

"What're the bells for?"
"They're so we can communicate without using the intercom. We've kind of got this whole nautical theme going on."
"Yeah, except for the Hawaiian shirts."
"That's true. We should have striped shirts, be like sailors."
"Or pirates. Right now you could be tropical pirates maybe. Cruise ship robbing pirates."
"Are you calling us lazy? That's brilliant."
--A customer and a checker at Trader Joe's

"Sign it 'You'd better let me know what's going on. See ya.' If you say 'Love ya ' to him, you and me are going to go for a round next time we find a boxing ring."
--A woman in a net cafe to another woman who was typing.

"They're great. She's great. In fact, if there were a spotlight on just her, and the rest of the theatre was dark, I would be madly in love with that lady."
--A guy at the Parkway Theatre, commenting on Project Pimento's lead singer.

"Angora does say 'I love you, honey,' more than cotton."
--One teenage girl to another, shopping at American Eagle

"'Appropriatude.' It should be a word."
"But it is not. 'Appropriateness' is the one you want."
"Appropriatude!"
"No."
"Listen! 'Let us act with appropriatude.'"
"No. It's -ness or nothing."
--A girl and a guy at Jupiter

"Is this a sweater or a swimsuit?"
"That's your first problem."
--A woman and a man at Jeremey's

"Yes, I would love you even if you looked like Hamlet. Believe me."
--A woman talking on a cell phone, walking past the Nomad Cafe

"I asked for Guinness and this is obviously Lagunitas. Guinness isn't clear. Guinness isn't golden. How do you get those two confused? Can no one hear me? This is what's wrong with life. This is the way the world ends. Lagunitas for Guinesss, boom."
--A girl at Cafe du Nord, at the Mike Doughty concert

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Mike Doughty, on the other had, was pretty much everything that is right in the world. He's doing another show tonight, same venue. Even if you don't know his new stuff, he played a few of his old Soul Coughing songs. He's brilliant. He's friendly to fans after the show. He dismissed the groans and sobs that accompanied his announcement of his last song with a pithy reminder of the temporal nature of existence. Go, already.

"Can someone tell me how to get to the city?"
"They said this was a shuttle to Berkeley. Isn't this shuttle going to Berkeley?"
"Yes. Yes. Can someone tell me how to get to Berkeley?"
--An airport shuttle driver, and a passenger, on a shuttle to a city (which was supposed to be Berkeley.)

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Hey, kids, if you're ever at SFO at 1am and you're waiting for the Bayporter and a competitor comes up and suggests that you should giddyup to his Berkeley-bound shuttle, do you know what to say?

The proper answer is, "Wrong."

Alternatively, the proper answer is "Golly, I *do* think it would be fun if your cartography-impaired driver didn't take credit cards and had to drive each individual passenger to his/her own atm once he/she discovers that your rates are twice as much as the Bayporter. All aboard!"

Apparently the travel industry calls it Black Sunday for a reason.