Submitted by Apple on Fri, 03/18/2005 - 6:29am. Other
"Where are you?"
"I am waiting for a mechanic to blow himself up."
"OK, as long as you stay the recommended distance away."

AppleMan's dispatcher makes his job apathy apparent. Kind of scary considering the chemicals his drivers haul.
Get your red hot arson
Submitted by Jon on Mon, 03/07/2005 - 12:02pm. Other
(One displaced letter makes all the difference.)

Seen at my office's cafeteria:

Today's special:
Ham and Bacon Quiche with pasta salad or fires

I wonder what kind of container would hold the fires?
Beer Bread
Submitted by Apple on Wed, 03/02/2005 - 5:07am. Other
"She didn't really like it, 'cause you used beer instead of Sprite, so that's why she made that face."
"What face?"
"You know, the sour lemon face."
"Oh, you mean bitter beer bread face."
*both together* "EW! Bitter beer bread face!"

My sister and I discussing my mom not liking my cooking. Sad enough that we had to convince her that alcohol cooks out of stuff. Oy!

On a side note, thanks Matt!! Everybody else at the event loved your suggestion! *G*
Tom Lehrer
Submitted by claudsie on Sat, 01/22/2005 - 3:56pm. Other
I saw someone else's question and it's the same one I have. Didn't Tom Lehrer do a rendition of The Merry Minuet? I seem to remember having the album with that on it at one time. I thought it was a "Live" album. Please, please, please someone answer me and take me out of my misery!
Cable Companies
Submitted by Apple on Fri, 01/07/2005 - 7:30pm. Other
"Your guy disconnected my internet when he was only supposed to take the cable tv receiver."
"You scheduled a disconnect."
"Yes, but only for the tv, not for my broadband."
"He wasn't supposed to take any office supplies."
*bewilderment* "He didn't, he took my internet away!"
"Then why did you say he took a rubber band?"
*frustration* "I didn't, I said BROADBAND. Why did he disconnect my internet??"
"Because you scheduled it."
*sigh* "No, I only wanted to switch back to satellite, not lose my internet."
"Oh, why didn't you just say that to him?"
"Because I didn't know he couldn't read a simple work order!!"
"Oh, then we'll send somebody out tomorrow morning to fix it, but I must tell you that if it is found to be your fault there will be a $49.99 charge."
"How can it be my stinking fault if he did it at the outside box??"
"You have your modem outside??"
*Frustrated cry of despair* "If Verizon wasn't worse, and slower, I'd switch to them!"
"You can't keep a DSL modem outside, either."
Me and a complete IDIOT at the local Comcast office. I swear, this went on for 20 more minutes at least! At least the guy who came out this morning knew my agony. He complained about his coworkers the whole entire time he was here.
Next Year
Submitted by spike_vicious on Fri, 12/24/2004 - 3:44am. Other
"I like being able to say that; 'We'll worry about it next year'"


Given the date I know it makes sense but I thought it sounded good anyway.
Scary, indeed.
Submitted by steff on Sat, 10/30/2004 - 1:10pm. Other
seen in a display of old horror movies in a wal-mart: "heidi", the wide screen version.

On the Road
Submitted by Saint on Sat, 10/23/2004 - 11:25pm. Other
A license plate: "AWWNUTS"

A car with a home-printed bumper sticker: "Somewhere in Texas a Village is Missing It's Idiot"; beneath, written in felt tip, someone had added "But we still have our's."

"It's a little racier than I remember it."
"No, and then, like, they put lips on the dick and it started singing..."
--the guy on my right, remarking on Les Miserables during intermission, and my wife on my left, telling her mom about the god-awful porn we saw in the hotel room before going to the theater.
Popejoy Hall, University of New Mexico, Albuquerque.

"Oh my God! It's a chocolate dildo!"
"It's huge!.... I wonder where she got the mold."
--a couple of older ladies browsing at The Candy Lady in Old Town. Albuquerque, NM.

"I can get most of this stuff at Safeway."
"You can't get seaweed at Safeway. And what about the sugary squid snacks? Oooh, and Inca Kola. 'The Golden Cola.' Snazzy, eh?"
"Okay, well, I can get most everything I actually want from Safeway."
--an older man and a young woman browsing the isles at Ta Lin World Food Market, Albuquerque, NM.
Submitted by meera on Mon, 10/18/2004 - 11:01pm. Other
While walking in front of two girls on campus:
45 seconds pass with neither saying anything.
Girl 1: I could kill someone right now.
Girl 2: [No response]
Another 20 seconds pass before I am out of earshot of them...
Submitted by Marsky on Sun, 10/10/2004 - 8:53pm. Other
"I'm so famous that my first name, my middle name, AND my last name are all diamond."

Heard at school by a girl with an obviously fake British accent.