Submitted by Origin_Of_Lies_ on Tue, 09/28/2004 - 5:36am. Other
I'm gonna have to go to the E.R. if I don't shit within the hour.

-Written on the women's bathroom of a Texaco station in Hartford
Whatever it is, it must be tacky.
Submitted by Saint on Sat, 09/11/2004 - 8:21pm. Other
"It'd be like bringing a date to your wedding, son."

--an old man to a teenager, at the mall in Farmington, NM. Now I guess the question is, what would be like bringing a date to your wedding?
No refunds
Submitted by Saint on Wed, 07/28/2004 - 10:39pm. Other
"Can I have my soul back now?"

--my manager, on finding out she'll probably be fired. (For the record, it's bull; she's being fired for sexual harassment, specifically for 'a detailed discussion of anal sex which made two employees uncomfortable'. I happened to be there for the incident in question, and here's what it was: my manager mentioned she was partying with a local band, in particular the lead singer. One of the allegedly uncomfortable employees said, "Ewww. He's into anal sex!" My manager shrugged and replied, "So am I." And that was it. The 'detailed discussion of anal sex', all of it, right there. Plus, it happened about 9 months ago, so...WTF? I'm going to miss my manager, if they push this through. She was about the only cool one in the whole store.)

Update: My boss quit. I'm somewhat in mourning, and probably will really start hating it when I have to train a new boss, but she's much happier. Says it's just like getting out of a bad relationship. So I'm happy for her, anyway. And since she's tending bar at the Brewery, it's not like I never get to see her.
Please. Stop. Talking.
Submitted by Saint on Thu, 06/03/2004 - 6:40pm. Other
"When she came for her cake, the decorator was like, 'You ordered a cake? What were you thinking?' and she was all, 'Well, mostly I was thinking I don't want to bake a cake, it's 90 degrees out!' And I got to thinking later, you know, we do that all the time. Anyone who works here wants to get food from here, we treat them like they're retards. And I thought, wow, customers who overhear all that must think our food really sucks. Of course, it kinda works out, because our food does really suck. Except for the hot wings. Those are really good."

--a lady working in the deli at Wal-Mart. Cortez, CO.

Have you ever just been exhausted listening to someone talk?
Um, Thanks, but no
Submitted by Apple on Tue, 05/04/2004 - 8:34pm. Other

"So, does that hair removal thing you got for Christmas actually work?"
"Yeah, why? You want one?"
"I was thinking about it."
"Don't bother. I have some stuff I got from Avon that doesn't work. You can have it."
Me and my mom discussing hair removal. And she wonders how I turned out the way I did. *grin*
Um, I shouldn't have asked...
Submitted by Apple on Tue, 04/27/2004 - 10:08am. Other
"Hey, Mom, what'd you do to your passenger mirror?"
"Who says all accidents have to be me?"
"Uh, the policeman who has to keep coming out to fill out your reports. So, what happened to the mirror?"
"Your dad and I went for a drive on my birthday and I was wearing that sweater you gave me. I had a hot flash so I took it off. While I was doing that, your dad was distracted by my chestal region, and he hit a mailbox that jumped out into the road."
My mom and I discussing the lack of a passenger side mirror on their van. It's sort of sweet to know that my dad still looks at my mom that way, but really, it's squicky.
You're chunky?
Submitted by Apple on Thu, 03/25/2004 - 10:18pm. Other
"Laura said it was you and I said 'She's too chunky to be Heidi.'"
"But it was me."

Two girls in the theater during Secret Window. Amazing that the typical movie experience lately has consisted of either teens talking to friends loudly or some tired bozo snoring. This time, it was both. *sigh*
Stop looking at me like I'm crazy
Submitted by Saint on Mon, 03/01/2004 - 9:37am. Other
"I went to piss on Dad's grave, and these damn hillbillies clonked me on the head, put me in a gimp suit, and locked me in the basement of the brewery. And I think they stole my Christmas tree. Anyway, I just didn't feel like doing it all again."

--Me, at work. I normally try to keep myself out of it, but I feel this counts as an in-passing, because several coworkers did overhear me and give me the hairy eyeball trying to figure out what I was talking about.
Submitted by Apple on Sun, 02/29/2004 - 6:02pm. Other
"If a priest decided to create a line of clothing, would that make him a diviner?"
My dad and his puns. Oy!
Scent of a Woman
Submitted by Apple on Sun, 02/22/2004 - 7:20am. Other
"Your home smells like apples."
"Big shock when you think of who's place this is."
My sister and Mr Man discussing my choice of candles and Air Wick plug-ins.