"Shhhhh... You shouldn't talk so loud when you're speaking Stupid."
— girl to a guy friend who just insulted her athleticism while they were at REI (Berkeley, CA)

"Most of your problems can be solved by remembering to do it faster, deeper and harder."
— my fire dancing instructor to another student (San Francisco, CA)

"Today, my ignorance knows no bounds."
"Wheeeeeeee! I bet it feels free and floaty."
"Well...floaty anyhow."
— two girls chatting at lunch (Emeryville, CA)

"I think I go with 'god' and 'baby' and 'yes' kind of stuff, rather than actual names, you know?"
"That's certainly safest, isn't it? I mean you don't want to be gasping out 'Oh, BLUTO!' when you're with Popeye, know what I mean?"
— two women speaking about sex (Miami, FL)

"Well, yeah...he's kind of goofy."
"What do you mean goofy? Define 'goofy.'"
"You know, pratfalls and bad jokes and silliness. I don't know...just a goofy sense of humor."
"Gimme an example — who do we both know who's goofy."
"Huh. Ummmm....Oh! Well, actually, you are sometimes. Like the time we went to that Ethiopian restaurant."
"So what you're saying is that your brother is cool."
— a girl trying to describe her brother to a guy friend (Emeryville, CA)

"Florida, do not suck."
"You sucked enough last time."
"No shit. They owe us, damn it."
"You sucked last time and God smote you with hurricanes. Take a hint."
— three women watching the election results (Berkeley, CA)

"I don't need to be more careful; the ground just needs to be softer."
"Except that you seem to run into a lot of trees."
"They need to be softer too."
— my sports-injury-prone friend - currently on crutches with a broken pelvis and backbone - and me on our way back from lunch (Emeryville, CA)

"Wow! You got taller!"
"I'm wearing heels. They'll do that."
"Oh. Well, I thought that was a lot to grow at your age."
— two co-workers greeting each other (Emeryville, CA)

"I was half a pray mantis? I'm not sure I want to know what you really think of me."
"Yeah, but don't be offended. Everyone else was half bug too. Except for my aunt."
"Your aunt."
"Yeah...I never realized until this morning what bad puns my brain makes when I sleep."
— a guy telling a girl about his dream the night before (Emeryville, CA)

"general hospital is still on the air,
sharon osbourne has a talk show,
and race walking is an olympic event.

unemployment is both educational and fascinating."
— printout of an email posted on an office door (Alameda, CA)