"I think I'm anorexic. Everytime I look in a mirror I see a fat person."

Said with a healthy dollop of irony by a rather obviously overweight woman drinking pints of ale in a London beer garden

Man, you think she's bad? Dan's ex was so ugly, and tragically she knew it. Rumour has it she wouldn't even masterbate without Rohypnol.

Guy on mobile phone outside London tube station.

Man 1: "He was playing autistic guitar."
Man 2: "You mean acoustic!"
Man 1: "No, I mean autistic - the right chords, the wrong order."

Woman 1: "What are those?"
Woman 2: "Special glasses so I can view today's solar eclipse without losing my retinas."
Woman 1: "What's a solar eclipse?"
Woman 2: "When the moon passes between the earth and the sun blocking out the light."
Woman 1: "Really? Today? That will be good, it's been hot lately and we could do with the rain."

Heard on a train outside London Bridge station, Southeast London, UK.