".....your dad say?"
"He said if I got an abortion, he'd buy me a new car."
"Uh-huh."
"And I've been asking for a new car since I turned 17."
"Do you know who the father is?"
"Yes."
"And have you discussed this with him?"
"Yes."
"And what did he have to say?"
"He said if I got an abortion, he'd buy me a new car, too. So it's like a two-for-one kind of deal. It's like hitting the lottery or something."
"So you think this should be an *mumbling*"
"Hell yeah. I mean, I'm trading a fetus for two cars."
"What if I were to tell you that you aren't truly pregnant?"
"The question is, what will it take for you to tell my dad that I am?"

-A young teenage girl with an over-exaggerated southern accent, probably 18 at the absolute most, and one of the gynos at my doctor's office

On a side note, I need to stop going to doctors down here! That was the most painful pap smear of my life.

"So how's your mom?"
"Oh, she's sick. We took her to the doctor yesterday."
"Aww. Is it that flu going around?"
"No, she's got something called SARS."
"SARS! Jesus! That's really bad for you! That's when you poop alot, isn't it?"
"I know. Yeah, she can't quit pooping. I've told her for years she shouldn't eat mayonnaise."
"So she got it from mayonnaise?"
"Yeah. That's what happens when you leave--*cell rings* Hello? Are you throwing up again? Eat yogurt. I told you, it's got vitamins. We'll get rid of that salmon."
"Did you say salmon? Do you mean salmonella?"
"Yeah. Dr. Gates said it was Salmonella Accused the Retard of something."
"Were those his exact words?"
"Yeah. He's a great doctor."
"Oh, I know."
---Two older ladies purchasing endless amounts of douche at Wal-Mart in Rogers, AR.