16 July 2001
Submitted by eve on Mon, 07/16/2001 - 6:21pm. News
So I have a project for you all.

As I mentioned earlier, I'm on the volunteer staff for the Webby Awards, which are the internet equivalent of the Academy Awards and are being held at the Opera house in San Francisco.

My job? I'm on the team that makes the guests feel special while they're walking along the red carpet. We're like paparazzi with polaroid (or digital) cameras, we hand out party favors, etc. Some of the party favors are the little red decorated envelopes that they put money and fun stuff in for Chinese New Year. Well, we're supposed to fill them with "fun, interesting, unusual messages." Like oddball fortune cookies.

And I thought, who better to come up with the bizarre than the folks who have seen it all?

Your mission, should you choose to accept it: submit a comment to this thread containing a fortune like or just utterly random message. (And you should post nothing but that message, since I'm just going to print these out directly. Also means your name + email will be attached if you choose to enter them in.)

Ever want to tell something to the internet's A-Listers? Tell a story, give advice, write a review of your favorite website or rock band, or attempt to read the future of the person who will get the message. If you've never posted before, there's a first time for everything. This is a chance to send your words out into the world (and save me the trouble of thinking up things for myself.)

It's a race for the first 50 posts (since I only have 50 envelopes,) and the only rules are keep it clean and don't be mean (since I will be giving these out to unsuspecting innocents.) Funny is good.

On your marks, get set... go!
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Posted by Anne Onymous on Fri, 12/07/2001 - 10:55am.
Archived comment by Passerby:
Someday we'll look back at this moment, laugh nervously & then change the subject.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 11/28/2001 - 6:06am.
Archived comment by Arlene:
Never summon a demon in clothes you can't run in.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Mon, 07/30/2001 - 8:36pm.
Archived comment by umrguy:
From the serious side:

Never mix gin and vodka together and drink it, unless you have a strong stomach.

Um, I choose to plead the 5th Amendment on how I know about this one.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Fri, 07/27/2001 - 5:14pm.
Archived comment by steff:
but ben, it's so... enlightening? i think it should just be a permanent thing. but maybe clarified some, so that ppl don't think they're going to be immortalized in leetle red envelopes.

enchanting word, alphavore, btw. =D and nice use of pseudolatin!
Posted by Anne Onymous on Fri, 07/27/2001 - 12:17pm.
Archived comment by Ben:
When left to their own, the fabled alphavore the Inus Passingus will stretch a contest which ended well over a week ago to one hundred and sixty - no one hundred and sixty one submissions.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Fri, 07/27/2001 - 9:16am.
Archived comment by hypothetical:
What would it be like if you were a lesbian trapped in a man's body? Or vice versa?

If there's no god who pop's up the next kleenex?

Posted by Anne Onymous on Fri, 07/27/2001 - 1:52am.
Archived comment by the Doc:
Just Say No to Sex with pro-lifers!
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/25/2001 - 9:53pm.
Archived comment by umrguy:
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/25/2001 - 4:27pm.
Archived comment by Passerby:
Eat now, pay later. Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of your day.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/25/2001 - 4:26pm.
Archived comment by Passerby:
Head up, chest out, tummy in. Now hold this for three hours.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/25/2001 - 4:25pm.
Archived comment by Passerby:
You are not a beautiful little snowflake.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Mon, 07/23/2001 - 7:16pm.
Archived comment by Passerby:
Tomorrow all the glitter will be gone. What will be left?
Posted by Anne Onymous on Mon, 07/23/2001 - 12:02pm.
Archived comment by CAM2:
When you're alone, don't do that.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Sun, 07/22/2001 - 10:33pm.
Archived comment by azrynne:
The only true nominees are the people from Nomin.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Sat, 07/21/2001 - 10:27pm.
Archived comment by anson2:
The First Law of Thermodynamics is:

"You can't win"

The Second Law of Thermodynamics is:

"You can't even break even"

(Honestly, they're true! They're the semantic equivalent of a whole lot of Greek letters and Calculus)
Posted by Anne Onymous on Thu, 07/19/2001 - 9:08pm.
Archived comment by Hairy-Itallian:
Remember if at first you don't succeed erase all evidence you tried in the first place.

"If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice." - Rush

Yah! 150th comment! Woohoo!
Posted by Anne Onymous on Thu, 07/19/2001 - 2:23pm.
Archived comment by Kari:
I'm out of Green Plum juice!!!
Posted by Anne Onymous on Thu, 07/19/2001 - 9:08am.
Archived comment by steff:
do you have your towel?

Posted by Anne Onymous on Thu, 07/19/2001 - 8:07am.
Archived comment by NN:
Eve;
So, how was it? Congrats to Peter Pan.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Thu, 07/19/2001 - 6:51am.
Archived comment by Ben:
I went to the Webbys and all I got was this lousy little note.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Thu, 07/19/2001 - 6:33am.
Archived comment by Paul:
You! Out of the gene pool!
Posted by Anne Onymous on Thu, 07/19/2001 - 6:20am.
Archived comment by Obsidiana:
Just one more post...almost there...
Posted by Anne Onymous on Thu, 07/19/2001 - 4:31am.
Archived comment by Elli:
I'm sorry but your wife just voted you out of the tribe
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 9:28pm.
Archived comment by umrguy:
"Soylent Green - it's made from people!"

" 'To Serve Mankind' - It's a COOKBOOK!!"

"There's someone in my head, but it's not me." - Pink Floyd

Quit reading this fortune while you're walking, you're about to run into a pillar!

You lucky bastard!

Resolve to take cynicism to ever-more new and creative levels!
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 7:36pm.
Archived comment by Alex Andra:
Bugs

Bugs are small
Bugs are not tall
Bugs fly
High up to the sky
Bugs crawl
On my wall
- me in elementry school (but i added the wall part)
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 7:14pm.
Archived comment by brina:
You should have worn underwear today.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 6:39pm.
Archived comment by Doug:
Radioactive fish are eating my furniture.
-from Michael Nesmith's "Elephant Parts"
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 6:32pm.
Archived comment by Karen A. A.:
"When you have a common, boring name, make up for it by getting lots of nick-names" - KAPEH, Night Dragon, Spuds (i still dont know why), kari, Anderman, karry, pyromaniac (though i think it should be the other way around Gabby, at least i didnt try to burn the house down... on purpose) uh... thats it. dont have any more nick-names for now but i'm working on it.
p.s. Luckfire is an awesome name.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 6:18pm.
Archived comment by KAPEH, Spuds, Night Dragon!:
Marry a man with the same last name as you. It will make it easier on the post man and all those solicitors.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 5:46pm.
Archived comment by Anderman, Night Drag, kari, Sp:
"Strip putt-putt is the same as strip poker but instead of cards you have clubs and balls and it is out in public so when they call the police you better have the car near by and ready." - me, KAA
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 4:49pm.
Archived comment by elya-chan:
"Think for yourself and feel the walls become sand beneath your feet." - Queensr�che

"Reserve your right to think, for even to think wrongly is better than to not think at all." - Hypatia
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 3:22pm.
Archived comment by Passerby:
For your future reference, when your company fails, yes I would like fries with that.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 1:39pm.
Archived comment by Montygirl:
Never admit blame ... others will do that for you.

This message was brought to you by the letters K and B and the number 7.

And they siad you couldn't walk and read at the same time.

Maybe you should have worn your other shoes.

Quit staring at his butt.

Yes, you really look fine in that outfit.

Yes, you are the smartest person here.

Stop smiling, you have some smoutch in your teeth.

Did you remember to bring a condom?
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 1:19pm.
Archived comment by Penny:
Never turn your back on reality. It surrounds you.

~ Stanislaw J. Lec

Penny@piquantpenny.com
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 12:45pm.
Archived comment by steff:
Win if you can, lose if you must... cheat always.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 11:41am.
Archived comment by Morticia2821:
These were great, I chuckled through the entire 6 pages! Thanks from me to all who shared, you made my afternoon!
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 11:26am.
Archived comment by tygrkatt:
I know the meaning of life!!! Keep breathing.


BTW, these are great. I'm considering fortune cookies as favors at my wedding. Any one mind if I steal yoru words of wisdom for them? Thanks.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 10:46am.
Archived comment by bigRobinb:
Forewarned is forarmed . . . . . which is about half an octopus.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 10:09am.
Archived comment by mel:
"Clothes make the man- Naked people have
little or no influence on society."
M. Twain
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 9:50am.
Archived comment by Laura:
If what you've done is stupid but it works...then honey, it ain't stupid.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 9:00am.
Archived comment by talshadar:
Eve: I hope that you're going to post which 50 of the 124+ posts that you select to put in the little red envelopes .. mmmm little red envelopes..oops, sorry. Slipped into Homer mode for a second. :-)


On a side note - YAYYY!!! 3.5 more hours and I'll be on my way to vancover! No more work for the rest of the week! Yay me! :-)
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 8:31am.
Archived comment by Ben:
Hello! This is a little piece of disposable wisdom. It would be wise to dispose of this properly.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 8:24am.
Archived comment by Somnambulist:
The early worm deserves the bird.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 7:11am.
Archived comment by Jon:
"He who looks up will get hook in nose" - actual fortune, from years ago.

Hello to Nancy the Robot from PM! Signed, a PM reader.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 6:38am.
Archived comment by nightfever:
to err is human, to moo, bovine
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 5:31am.
Archived comment by Paul:
Life is unfair- that's a given. The best you can hope for is that once in a while it will be unfair in your favor.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 12:33am.
Archived comment by Jessica:
I just want to let you all know that it sucks to be in a cage, whether you're a man or an animal.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Wed, 07/18/2001 - 12:09am.
Archived comment by lady_arundel:
No matter WHAT you think may have dropped from your car, NEVER back up to retrieve it!!
(Trust me...........)
Posted by Anne Onymous on Tue, 07/17/2001 - 11:43pm.
Archived comment by Dave:
A wet pelican walks with a gaited limp-
-but a dry fish swims alone.
Posted by Anne Onymous on Tue, 07/17/2001 - 11:02pm.
Archived comment by Passerby:
I was going to go to work today but the voices in my head said to stay home and clean the guns.
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