Some thoughts on recent discoveries...

22 May 2001

Each time I've mentioned Kaycee's story on my site, I've commented on how remarkable it was that the internet allowed us to be touched, feel happiness or sorrow, for someone we'd never met.

And now I comment on how remarkable it was that the internet allowed us to be touched by fiction.

The story's out now, due to some clever and dedicated sleuthing by the folks at Metafilter. Kaycee's weblog was a fake. The person who wrote her "mother's" weblog wrote LivingColors as well. The pictures of her were of a popular basketball star who is still quite alive (and will likely have a large shock coming to her.) Speculation is diverging wildly, as to whether or not there was ever even a girl with cancer that "Kaycee" was based on.

I've known since Sunday, when someone emailed me to ask what I thought about the fraud, since I'd mentioned it here. Unfortunately I've been busy with work and I've had sporadic net access, so I haven't had a chance to respond until now.

My feelings about the recent denouement have been muddled. I've read the discussion at Metafilter, and at the Cockybastard forums -- a lot of people seem to be angry, to feel ashamed for having been duped, to want some sort of legal justice brought about.

I don't really care about any of that.

Admittedly, I never sent cards or money. I never even sent email. I just occasionally read, and found I was affected positively when I did so. That sounds awfully selfish. But that's kind of how it went. I could be feeling down about midterms and projects and work, and yet there was this girl, close to my age, out there fighting the good fight and having an incredibly positive attitude to boot. That was powerful. It meant a lot to me, and I was genuinely happy when her cancer went into remission, which is why I shared it here. I was happy for her, for a person I really didn't know, (and that surprised me,) but I was also happy that someone was winning in a fight against all the bad things that happen to nice people. In a way, her remission was some kind of small cosmic victory.

Too bad it wasn't real, right?

Well, yes. In my assorted thoughts about the whole situation over thepast couple of days, I've found that I like the word "fiction" instead of "fraud." Because that's what it is to me now, fiction. A story I read now and then, and was moved by. Would I have been as moved by it if I'd known it wasn't an actual 19 year old writing from her hospital bed? Probably not. Would my life have been dramatically different if I hadn't occasionally felt that the courage of this stranger was uplifting? No, probably not in that case, either.

If I'd known all along that it wasn't real, I probably would have thought what the cynics who are just now reading her page think -- that the writing is a little trite, that no one could actually be that happy or nice. But at the time, while believing in Kaycee and her story, I felt the words and the message were beautiful. So they weren't real. So what? It doesn't change the fact here and there over the past few months, I felt a little hope and beauty from her --Kaycee, Debbie, whoever it was-- words. It's not like the truth coming out now goes back and erases the positive feelings I had.

I know some people feel like their emotions were toyed with, and I agree that's horrible and wrong. But to feel foolish for having cared? Good lord, when Titanic was showing I saw more than a few girls exiting the theatre in such paroxysms of tears that they couldn't stand up straight, and they knew full well it was only a story. Yes, I have my moments of cynicism (come on, I have a weblog where I occasionally put the stupidity of strangers up for ridicule) and yes, I laugh as hard as anyone at the line in Spaceballs about how, "...evil will always triumph, because good is dumb." But despite all that, I don't feel embarrassed for having believed the story -- I gave a little faith, and some well wishes, and they wound up being misplaced. Oh well. Please pull forward.

Part of me is rather glad that she wasn't real, that that girl who saw so much beauty in life didn't actually have to go through all the pain of cancer. But of course, that is a real story, I'm certain it has happened or is happening to someone out there. He or she just doesn't have a popular weblog. I just hope that people won't hesitate to care about others in the future -- perhaps take a minute to consider, given what you know, if it's wise to become deeply emotionally involved or to send expensive gifts -- but please don't stop caring about people. When I thought Kaycee was a real person who had died, I wrote, "I am thankful that I was exposed to her courage. May we all see life as beautifully as she did."

I still feel that way, whether she was real or not.

I feel worst for the people who are being hurt because of this; the kids who saved their allowances to send gifts to "Kaycee," the people who feel they sent up prayers in vain. The BWG is getting raked across the coals for having hosted the page. People are pointing fingers at John Halcyon Styn just because of his long-standing friendship with her. I'll admit, I didn't ever question Kaycee's story much because Halcyon, whose page I'd read for 2 years, believed in her. This won't change my belief in his credibility as an online persona. I know many of you started reading Kaycee's page because I mentioned it; I hope this doesn't alter anyone's faith in me as a webmistress.

The investigation will continue, no doubt. Part of me admires the diligence and cleverness of the sleuths at metafilter, though undoubtedly the motives of some are just a love of mysteries, or worse yet, a desire to say, "I told you so." People will start making "Kaycee" jokes. The mainstream media will pick it up, and they won't quite understand. When all is said and done, hopefully the good that Living Colors did for people remains; it's sad, it's a little jading, but however you put it, it's over. "Kaycee" as everyone knew her is dead, and what we're left with is the next "All Your Base Are Belong To Us."