smokingjames's blog

she was really excited about the last one.

"You should say it like 'cheeeese.' Like, 'cheese Jordan' or 'cheese an addict.' 'Cheese a glass of water!'"
--A girl in a diner bathroom to her friend in a stall.

Two, three, four, infinitity.

professor: "How many planes can intersect collinear points B, C, D?
girl: "Two..."
boy: "Infinite."
girl: "Damn, infinite."
boy: "Sorry, nice try."
girl: "I was getting there."
boy: "What, were you counting?"
girl: "Yeah, I was starting at two."
--Two people to each other in a college geometry class.

No, seriously. Check it out. It's pretty funny.

"I don't mean to make fun of a blind or a dead person, but dude--check out this picture."
--A girl pointing out an old Ray Charles Christmas cd

Tell me you get it.

"It's a spy code: he has a license to do no harm."
--A guy in response to a license plate reading: MD7

(okay, it's cheating, it was said dirctly to me. but c'mon, it's a fucking hippocratic oath joke! it doesn't get better than that.)

Question answered.

"What are you thinking?"
"What do you mean 'thinking'?"
--A guy to a (blond) girl at the Arclight just after watching Kinsey.

But in a skirt, well of course.

"Even in pants, she walks like a weirdo."
"That's just a bit too much method acting for me."
--Two women at the Arclight.

Duh!

"No, no, no! He couldn't have been one of the three most important people in the world. He was from the future."
-Girl at a party.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."
-Guy at a party, in response, echoing my thoughts.

i wanted to say, "But you already are."

"...That's because heroin makes me want to be alive."
--A boy, in passing.

Otherwise known as the most inventive means of mass suicide.

"Okay, get this: we get a trash can, one of those big plastic ones, and we cut a hole in the bottom. Then we attach those pool floats to it and put it upside down in the pool. We get, like, five or six people to push it down and then the pool floats will bring it back up. Then everyone swims up in it and takes a breath!"
--A guy at a party describing his fool-proof plan for the largest ever gravity bong.

( )

"Let's see what we're missing."
--A girl in an office building, just before pulling the shades back and seeing a rainbow right outside the window.

Maybe she was from Beverly Hills and didn't want to lose her way in the dark 'woods.

Seen:

A woman about forty-five, walking down the street in Brentwood, dressed in expensive clothes with high heels and her nose comically turned up, holding a piece of paper, tearing off tiny pieces and dropping them on the sidewalk behind her.

Amen.

"This shit sucks."
--Written on a page in the same manual.

I should have triple A write all my similes.

"Turning a car quickly is like a large football player trying to make a sharp turn at full gallop: sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't."
--From a driver training manual.

it's true.

"...So then he asks me how I would rate myself as a director on a scale of one to ten, and I'm like: 'Man, don't ask me that, 'cause if I say ten then I'm an asshole, and if I don't then I'm a fuckin' liar!'"
--Quentin Tarantino at the Kill Bill afterparty, to a crowd of hangers-on.