]> Apple's blog http://www.inpassing.org/blog/view/229 enCan't Think Of A Title http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2853 <em>I can see it now, "Boss, I can't come to work today. I've broken my wife's ass during sex." Yeah, that's not gonna get me fired. <br>Could be worse. You could have broken <b>his</b> wife's ass during sex.</em> <br> <br>Two guys walking in the local Walmart."That Poor Woman" http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2830 <em>"Sorry, honey. Can't make our date tonight. The water turned me on."</em> <br> <br>A guy in the next aisle (admittedly the beverage aisle) at the grocery store.Blah http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2556 <em>"Where are you?" <br>"I am waiting for a mechanic to blow himself up." <br>"OK, as long as you stay the recommended distance away."</em> <br> <br>AppleMan's dispatcher makes his job apathy apparent. Kind of scary considering the chemicals his drivers haul.Sweets For My Sweet http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2555 <em>"Aunt Maggie is one of those aunts that are way over sweet. Sickly sweet! So sweet I have to stay away from her for fear of going into a Diabetic Coma!"</em> <br> <br>Me discussing my Aunt's creepy sweetness. Really, she's the one that pinches and hugs and all that sick, demented stuff that belies a psychotic killer waiting to strike. Bleh! <br> <br><em>"Aww! Aren't you just the cutest thing ever?? I could just eat you up!"</em> <br> <br>Have I mentioned, <b>Bleh</b>!!??!When Dieties Go Bad http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2547 <em>"Dude! <b>God</b> is my stalker!"</em> <br> <br>This gem was spoken, er, bellowed by Mr. AppleMan. At first, I thought maybe he'd either mistaken the phrase, "As God as my witness," or gone quite mad. However, no, he was just expressing frustration at the billionth item in our house to break this week. Apparently, when my physical state isn't going south on my birthday, the appliances do. *G*Beer Bread http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2539 <em>"She didn't really like it, 'cause you used beer instead of Sprite, so that's why she made that face." <br>"What face?" <br>"You know, the sour lemon face." <br>"Oh, you mean bitter beer bread face." <br>*both together* "EW! Bitter beer bread face!"</em> <br> <br>My sister and I discussing my mom not liking my cooking. Sad enough that we had to convince her that alcohol cooks out of stuff. Oy! <br> <br>On a side note, thanks Matt!! <em>Every</em>body else at the event <b>loved</b> your suggestion! *G*I Don't Think I Want To Know http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2477 A man in a black trench coat, after putting a length of rope and a gun (don't know make or model) into his briefcase, checks some photos then walks calmly into the Bank One building. <br> <br>He was either one very pissed off bank employee or customer, or I will be put into the witness protection program for being able to identify a Mob hitman. Yikes! This is what I get for letting Mr Man force me to ride along to pay the insurance when I have the flu. <br> <br><em>"You really need the fresh air, Apple. What could possibly happen??"</em> <br> <br>Bah! He should know better than to tempt Fate! *G*Cable Companies http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2457 "Your guy disconnected my internet when he was only supposed to take the cable tv receiver." <br>"You scheduled a disconnect." <br>"Yes, but only for the tv, not for my broadband." <br>"He wasn't supposed to take any office supplies." <br>*bewilderment* "He didn't, he took my internet away!" <br>"Then why did you say he took a rubber band?" <br>*frustration* "I didn't, I said BROADBAND. Why did he disconnect my internet??" <br>"Because you scheduled it." <br>*sigh* "No, I only wanted to switch back to satellite, not lose my internet." <br>"Oh, why didn't you just say that to him?" <br>"Because I didn't know he couldn't read a simple work order!!" <br>"Oh, then we'll send somebody out tomorrow morning to fix it, but I must tell you that if it is found to be your fault there will be a $49.99 charge." <br>"How can it be my stinking fault if he did it at the outside box??" <br>"You have your modem outside??" <br>*Frustrated cry of despair* "If Verizon wasn't worse, and slower, I'd switch to them!" <br>"You can't keep a DSL modem outside, either." <br></br> <em>Me and a complete IDIOT at the local Comcast office. I swear, this went on for 20 more minutes at least! At least the guy who came out this morning knew my agony. He complained about his coworkers the whole entire time he was here.</em>Dominick The Donkey http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2452 "Why would Santa need Dominick to get over the hills of Italy if he has <b>flying</b> reindeer??" <br>"Uh, perhaps because after the first couple of houses worth of Italian cooking, maybe they can't haul his fat ass high enough." <br>"That's what you get for letting him live with Apple." <br> <br><em>My shocked brother, my smart aleck of an 8 year old nephew, and my dad on Christmas Eve.Book Burn http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2408 <em>"What is this book doing in my crafts?" <br>"Um, I don't know." <br>"Throw it in the box with your soldering iron." <br>"But, that's the box I'm throwing out. Somewhere in a cold dark lonely corner, Intelligirly is crying."</em> <br> <br>Me and Mr Man discussing why a book was in my crafts box. To be fair, it was a book I never intended to read, and I seriously have no idea how it got in that box. Please, Intelligirly, don't cry. I took it to the local book exchange, and it lived to be read another day. *G*Cheating http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2387 <em>"If they didn't want you to cheat, they shouldn't have put it in the programming."</em> <br> <br>My nephew about a found computer game flaw.For Duty And Humanity http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2359 <em>"Well, I did my duty." <br>"You just wanted to say 'doodie,' didn't you?" <br>"Well, yes, and I did. Doodie!" </em> <br> <br>A guy and a gal leaving the school where I voted this morning. <br> <br> <br>I'm Apple and I approve this message.Halloween Comes Earlier and Earlier http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2155 <em>"What is that??" <br>"A cannoli mask!"</em> <br> <br>My nephews (8 and 6) talking about a Halloween costume. Obviously, my sister is an interesting person. Indeed.It's All About Crap http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/2142 <em>"If you forget about all the crap, it's still pretty cute." <br>"Yeah, 'bout as much as a dead cat."</em> <br> <br>My cousin and my mom talking about a nest of baby birds that was covered in their, well, crap. This cousin's sister, when she was 4 or 5, mentioned how cute a dead cat was lying there on the side of the road. We've never let her forget it. *G*I Smell Dead People... http://www.inpassing.org/node/view/1978 <em>"I love the smell of funeral parlors."</em> <br> <br>My mom explaining why she loves a flowery candle scent. Um, I think I'll stick with more lively scents, like watermelon, honeydew, blueberry, peach, and yes, apple. *grin*